", In 2001, the official George Carlin website explicitly stated that the list including all of these lines was not the work of Carlin. We won the big game today, yes sir!" Whether youre looking for inspirational or funny quotes by George Carlin or whether youre looking for his famous quotes politics and education, its all here. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. The planet is fine. You still need a note to get laid. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck. George Carlin, 52. Nobody goes right to work. If the parent corporation doesnt want you to know something, it wont be on the news. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it. Live and let live. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. By clicking Accept All Cookies, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. Guy with a fuckin' pipe! That's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix "pre". We can afford to cut defense; we cant afford to cut education. '""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don't occupy. Doesn't happen often. That's my motto. So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin, 51. And he's gotta do it with a big. See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. - George Carlin. Keep em showing up at those jobs. George Carlin, 81. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! ", "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf", Now, to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together, things that point out our similarities instead of our differences. ""George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes. This is what our system produces, folks. Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. Apparently, were not ready for that! George Carlin, 72. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. Its been here over four billion years The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. Its a fucking sacrilege! George Carlin has many famous quotes about government, education and the American dream that are often referenced as truth. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Use your fucking heads! They never mention coffee. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." It's true. He was a true outspoken man that we can emulate in many ways. Dont you just wanna puke in your soup when one of these fat, balding, overweight, overaged, out of shape, middle aged, male movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage and starts blowing into a harmonica? Why would he give us a certain. Thank God for that. Carlin and his older brother, Pat, were primarily raised by their mother in Manhattan's Morningside Heights neighborhood. I know that. 10. They own you. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. Because I think we squandered great gifts. To me, no person is a better example of that than George Carlin, a savage satirist and brilliant thinker who was just as much of a writer and a philosopher as he was a comedian. They're privileges. It's not intelligent to stand around with a controlled fire sticking out of your mouth. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. George Carlin, 31. It creates a hostile work environment. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.. 17. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! 'Cause chickens are decent people. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. That's my advice. Offer good while supplies last. 48. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. George Carlin, 29. In this blog post, we'll take a look at some of Carlin's most famous quotes on government. So maybe its not the politicians who suck; maybe its something else. It was stolen!" They own, and control the corporations. Remember that? 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code! But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin, 17. Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. Manage Settings Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. George Carlin, 64. 39. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. And they all vote. That was the time I said to a woman, "I hope you get a blister on your cunt.' it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. I cant follow the logic on that one at all! Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. Think about it: religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. We hadn't been into grass before, we were into gang fighting, and wine and beer in the park, and punching the shit out of people, and having jackets with your name, and your girls were your 'debs', and you had turf, and all that dumb shit, and we would get into fights over girlsand then pot came along and gang fighting went away. ""Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. "GIMME THAT, IT'S MINE!" Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And a mindless game, too. It's an arrogant thing to place a burning barrier between you and the rest of the world. Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin, 9. You see all, sooner or later. We won the big game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, Whats happenin?. This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here. There are places that are going to go away. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. Pretty neat deal, huh? We got a war on poverty, the war on crime, war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. 51. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin, 43. Famous Quotes by George Carlin about Politics, "In America, anyone can become president. When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things. George Carlin, 19. 'Cause I got to tell you the truth, folks: when it comes to bullshit - big-time, major-league bullshit - you have to stand in awe, in AWE of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. But limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. Well, of course it was pre-recorded! And if you act now, we'll include an extra added, free, complimentary bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. It's called "dick fear!" ""These days many politicians are demanding change. Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. If youre preborn, youre fine; if youre preschool, youre fucked. I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. Go look for consistency in religion. Thats the problem., I call him Governor Bush because thats the only political office hes ever held legally in this country., Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance., Forget the politicians. After that, they don't want to know about you. ""Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. George Carlin was one of the most iconic comedians of all time and he had a lot to say about government. My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. People who have large gums and small teeth. The people are [bleeped out]. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. And they're against gun control and they're against nuclear weapons control. There are battered husbands. We made the whole fucking thing up! What a ratio that is: 399,993 to 7. I love it when it didn't take a, Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. They don't have a peace college. Dole kept saying "I'm a plain and honest man." Then youre just what theyre looking for. You have no choice. Everyone says they suck. This is the best we can do folks. Thats the problem. Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. You don't have to lie. The planet is fine. Youll never see the black guys going, Oh, golly! When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. That's a good combination! They will do anything for the unborn. The rights and the rights of property. They own you. And if, somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. 20. 31. 24. The sanctity of life doesnt seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? Actually, it's our way of saying, "Bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper!". In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Fertilization. Thats what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. They don't want to hear from you. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! Oh, my goodness. I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic. You don't wait thirty years. It's true! Am I right? You know what the motto of this country ought to be? The poor are just there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. You ever watch golf on television? After that, they dont want to know about you. That's what they told us they were, remember? The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin, 5. And they have war plans for every contingency, no matter how remote. They're privileges. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. But it can't happen, "I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact Us, Ronald Reagan Religious Quotes To Live Your Life As A True Believer, www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes, www.quotes.thefamouspeople.com/george-carlin-1484.php, www.everydaypower.com/george-carlin-quotes. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. 101 Marianne Williamson Quotes That Will Enlighten You. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. "All of you over here, you seven? Im an acrostic: the whole thing puzzles me. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Theres only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin, 22. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? People are selfish. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin, 45. We cut education, in 50 years, well be so stack with idiots with shitty jobs that we wont have enough money to pay for defense! George Carlin, 85. Theres no present. Thats what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. Broadly speaking. That would make a "He-man" an "It-person." You don't do all this moron stuff. Like the public. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? You know? In fact, sometimes you get the impression that theyre the only ones who vote. With Nina Feldman. The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin, 13. I wonder why prostitution is illegal. 29. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. I say, "Pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! I decided to look around for something else to worship. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Don't give your money to the church. The only country that could invade America is America! Skip the clouds and get to the fucking. Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the . An art thief is a man who takes pictures. It's nice. Are these fucking people kidding me? And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!". I'll give ya somethin' to put in your mouth!" See, nobody can do it! There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. A proctologist with poor depth perception. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. George Carlin, 28. For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. Religion is nothing but mind control. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin, 41. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. "One thing leads to another"? By gyokusai August 29, 2010. creed of reason. I took his shoes. They don't give a fuck about you. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll wind up with thirty or forty names by the end of the day. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! And besides telling you things you shouldnt say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; Heres something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; heres something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; heres something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 oclock when the bells ring. Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying. I recently bought a book of free verse. So we keep ourselves limited. Then you become a baby, and then You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, and then You finish off as an orgasm. If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the. Its called fucking with people!. When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. 28. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. George Carlin, 70. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.". And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all huish! I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin, 37. Click here, sign up, and get your first ride with Uber for free. If it requires a uniform, its a worthless endeavor. George Carlin, 11. "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man! Something I could really count on. And they support the South American DEATH squads. And immediately, I thought of the sun. 26. Is that such a strange notion. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? In America, anyone can become president. The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election. George Carlin, 66. Who the fuck is going to invade the US? Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. If you burn the flag, youre burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. In America, anyone can become president. Everybody gets one swing. Forget the politicians. For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. But you ever notice there's no war on homelessness, is there? ""Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Its never just a game when youre winning. George Carlin, 7. And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to. Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two KNOBS on the radio? But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff. He was paranoid on his own. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. You have no right to complain. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. (154), Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Maybe something else sucks around here like, the public. Theyve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the State houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. George Carlin, 63. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. Maybe this time itll work. George Carlin, 59. You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. You want somethin' hot to suck on? You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country?
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