I have no secrets to keep from a cow!Is it normal my emo cousins hobby is tying himself to train tracks. "Because I put on the wrong sock this morning." brutalanglosaxon 2. Every time the train stopped at a station he faced many problems, as all shops to purchase eatables were far off. The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks." They always seem to have a get out of rail free card. Train conductors are known for their drinking. Yo mama so dirty, a pressure washer couldn't even get her clean. 44. He tried to cover his tracks. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-box-3','ezslot_4',170,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-box-3-0');These funny train jokes and puns will put you on the right track to a fun-filled day! The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.Congratulations, the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. Before you continue reading the other 95 train jokes, puns, and crazy laws, I want to share with you a top I put together especially for people who like a good laugh! you find yourself looking for old locomotives and color schemes during the obligatory chase scene through the rail yards when youre watching old cop shows and movies on TV. Ive always been driven by the joy of monorails.Well, one thing Ill say about ticket inspectors is that youve certainly got to hand it to them.Reading between the lines can be extremely dangerous, particularly if you are at a train station.I handed in my notice today and left my job as a newspaper reporter. Thats nearly impossible, he stated. Train puns and jokes are surprisingly funny. Stalin says, "I know what to do. Theyre sure to engineer a few laughs and stop you going off the rails! I paid you 100 francs so you wake me up in Mannheim. people look at you funny as they drive by while you are standing out in the middle of nowhere by a railroad track with a tripod and a camera. Railroad workers need to be sure they always keep their train of thought, or else they might go down the wrong track and get someone hurt. Theyre running with a skeleton service. Q: Why can't a steam locomotive sit down? A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. Yo mama so dirty, her house was mistaken for a landfill. Adult dirty riddle jokes are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes. 91. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly., 55. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". Why cant train engineers get electrocuted? I guess hes just really into one liners! The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" I once asked a conductor how many times a train he was on had gotten derailed. 100 + of the Best Laffy Taffy Jokes. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. Deep. Did you hear about the man who took the 6 oclock train home? You wont want to miss this hilarious adventure of train jokes and puns that will relieve your stress for a while. To those people who play loud music on the train, I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago. To their astonishment, the Scots dont buy a ticket at all. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. I guess that's why I like monorails so much! Suddenly the train crashed, where would the survivors be buried?Nowhere, they are the survivors! Wow, you really have to hand it to ticket inspectors. They have complete tunnel vision. Location: Melbourne, Australia. 23. His heel comes off! A chew-chew train. 24. They have a red caboose! Railroad workers arent what they used to be. Wanna take the joke a little far? He first punches a hole in the new bulb. Why did the elephant refuse to travel on the train? Young Gordon was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Reading station when they heard a whistle. By following the tracks.Who solves railway crimes?Scotland Train-Yard.What happened to the man who took the evening train home? Q: Why is the railroad angry? "What's the hurry" the he says, "we'll get there sometime in the next few days." Posted February 7, 2004. 3.-. Choose your size on Amazon! The complaints and suggestions book was given to him and he wrote: There should not be any last couch in the train. It was enough to drive you loco.I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting sidetracked.What do you call a sick locomotive?A train with a coal-d.How do you make the locomotive Olympics?Train really hard.The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train.They suspected the culprit had a locomotive.Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning.Right at the track of dawn.Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams.The train company had safety issues for years but was always able to cover its tracks.When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on.The conductors mailbox is always stuffed with letters. A lady passenger got off the train at the newly built standard gauge railway station at Jamestown, with a child in her lap and 2 suitcases. In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. Reading between the lines can be extremely dangerous, particularly if you are at a train station. 28. Q: What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?A: Oh good! So which jokes about train are your favorite? 90. These jokes are so filthy; you might just want to cleanse . Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. Lets begin. So unlike a lot of the other sites out there, we took the time to carefully collect and improve the very best train puns and train jokes you can find online. So he lies down next to the wife. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Well, get them this T-shirt as a present and point to the 10% imagination and the unicorn mood that is needed to do math and youll surely make them smile. He had to keep track of everything! 20. Look at you, panting away. The young man took a deep breath and said, Pop, I missed this train at the last station., 61. Train Bloopers and Wrecks | Funny, Weird and Wacky Trains Lots of Videos for Kids-Marshall Publishing 83.2K subscribers 673 273K views 11 years ago This funny train video shows chicken crossing. The dispatcher responds by asking him what road he works for The engineer is a little upset and snaps What difference does that make?Well, the dispatcher drawls, if you work for the BN its 2 pm; if you work for the UP it is 1400; if you work for the NFS the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 2; and if you work for Amtrak its Tuesday!. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. I dont want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive. Q: What do you get when you cross a Thomas Train and Shakespeare?A: Toby or not toby, that is the question! Did we catch up with the cow?, 58. Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but it doesnt help, he punches a hole in the new one. I was going to ask the conductor a question when he walked by, but I was too afreight to ask. Everyone had on platforms. Hes made it! Q: There was a train with passengers inside. Why cant steam engines sit down?A. It was an ex-press train. 157 Dirty Minded Jokes That Will Bring Out Your Naughty Side, 145 Short Dirty Jokes That Bring More Adult Humor, 155 Best Wedding Jokes to Kick off Your Speech, 150 Hilarious Tree Jokes to Fresh Your Mind, 152 Hilarious Wine Jokes to Make Conversation More Enjoyable, 151 Hilarious Tomato Jokes That Are So Juicy, 151 Hilarious Tennis Jokes Guaranteed to Leave You Rolling. Easily hand washed. A: Because people are always crossing it! Unsplash / Lana Abie 1. Q: What happened to the man that took the 5 oclock train home?A: He had to give it back! The judge wants to know his local motive. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? Through their enginears. He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. 1. Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy. Here comes the choo choo train!. Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference. returning and want to get on, get your . Its hard to find anyone with more focus than a train driver. 73. The crossing lights are not flashing and no trains are coming, but you slow to a crawl and look up the track both ways in hope of seeing a train. 33. If yes, have a look at the list of train jokes for adults! Searching for train puns and jokes? ", *Ok, this might be a slightly exaggerated promise. you have a scanner in your car tuned to the train channels to have a heads up on their locations to intercept them at crossings. Roger was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. They argued on what the tracks came from. They can just keep chugging. A minor slip-up could have devastating consequences. Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. 11. Its not essential for you to be actually on a train to tell these train joke. A businessman was traveling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. The T-shirts were chosen for their light and breathable material and, of course, their funny, lighthearted design and message. 97. A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineers chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. In West Virginia, it was once illegal to sleep on a train. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. 92. 6. The train track says a pint for me, please, and one for the road.I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didnt want to leave his trunk in the baggage car. /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. The troll that lives under my local railway bridge really is my arch enemy.I had a friend who quit his gig as a newspaper reporter and took a train out of town. I obviously took the ex-press train back home.I went to a railway fancy dress party at the weekend. You can see its tracks! Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. They have a tender behind! No, sir! His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees whats happened and asks the desert man, Whyd you ruin my good tea kettle? The desert man replies, Man, you gotta kill these things when theyre small., 48. I guess thats why I like monorails so much!Always keep an eye on train puns, they can go off the rails without warning.Train conductors are known for their drinking. A mother was working in the kitchen and her son was playing in his. He goes free again. It had forgotten the words.Why do you have to wait longer for a train on Halloween?Because they run a skeleton service.Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?They say he had locomotives.Whats the difference between a teacher and a train?The teacher says, Spit out your gum, but a train says, Chew chew!Why are dolphins so smart?Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!What do need in order to crash a train?A bad track recordTo become a licensed, airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. The train for Beanotown is about to depart, calling at Mirth, Merriment and Rolling-on-the-Floor. The old lady thinks, I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert., The blonde thinks, I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him., The Frenchman thinks, I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake., The Englishman thinks, I cant wait for another tunnel so I can slap that Frenchman again.. When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on. No one would ever find out how hard he trained, because he never got a platform to share it. 2.-. How do you find a missing train? Yo mama is so dirty, she's like a hockey player only showers . 8. Are you looking for a great gift for your boyfriend, father, or husband? That's the hospital where I had it done!" The list below is a mishmash of both, so give it a read and enjoy! They strap him in, pull the switch, and nothing happens. When we first started to put this list together, we were skeptical. Here is 100 francs for the favor. I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didnt think I had enough training.When the train engineer decided he wanted to run for office, he put the development of brailways for the blind as his main priority.How do locomotives hear?Through their enginears.What did the mother steam engine say to her baby to get her to eat?Here comes the choo choo train!How do you find a missing train?Hire an expert to follow the tracks.The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. Since you have freed me from the lantern, you can make a wish, the genie who was attired in coveralls and an engineers hat announced.I thought genies always granted three wishes, the railfan said.Those are the lamp and bottle guys, the genie explained.The train fan nodded his understanding.Okay then lets have a request unless you want to stand around and discuss waning wizard wishes.The railfan quickly replied, I would like a railroad built to Hawaii.The genie stared at the railfan and shook his head. It was an ex-press train. When he got down at the destination station, he told the station person that he wanted to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. It was a tram-endous opportunity.The conductor was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along.We ended up canceling our trip because all of our plans went down the train.Theres a guy I know who has been a big fan of monorails since he was little. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken. Me: The station You can do it. In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. They have eyes. Q: How do locomotives hear?A: Through the engineers! Not a bunch, herd, her friend replied. Because they run over sleepers.Whats the difference between a railway security guard and a teacher?One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.What did the train track say when he walked into the bar with the motorway?A pint for me please, and one for the road.What happened to the boy who was doing a project on trains?He found it difficult to keep track of everything.Whats the difference between a teacher and a steam train? Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. This is an absolute requirement if youre actually on a train, but dont be afraid to randomly bring one of these up in casual conversation as well (maybe when youre meeting the parents). youve been questioned more than once by the police asking, What are you doing parked by the tracks?. They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. 29. I cant help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since. I spent a great deal of time collecting the best train jokes available online. Unfortunately, he lost on points. In Wisconsin it was once illegal to kiss on a train. A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. How can hurricanes see? 9. A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. Sure hold on a second., The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, Im sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train., The man says, I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.. I guess thats why I like monorails so much! 95. A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. At your age, I could catch the train by a gnats whisker and still be fresh. Finally, when it stopped for about the hundredth time, one of the tourists got out, walked to the front of the train, and asked the train-driver, cant you go any faster?Oh, yes sir replied the driver, but Im not allowed to leave the train., 49. Train With Wife Joke - Dirty Jokes Train With Wife Joke Back to: Dirty Jokes Follow @quickjokes A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. Whats the angriest piece of track? 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. How do you find a missing train? 39. I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sons train set by myself. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. Make sure you dont yank their train! And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." It is hard to find good train jokes. Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive? One turns to the other and says to him, Look at this guy!The other guy replies, Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim., 57. How do you make the locomotive olympics? They can never decide on a root. A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people. At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman, Excuse me maam, but its really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?, The woman answers, Ill tell you what, Im also feeling really cold, for one night, why dont pretend we are married?, The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies, Yeah of course!, And so the woman says, Good. Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. A man called a taxi company in Waterford (Sth Ireland) and said Can you help me? A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. Just then the husband walks in. Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. One-Liners in Spanish These are funny S panish jokes that you can say in a single line or as a response. We have scoured our sources to compile a list of the Top 100 Train Jokes, including train jokes for kids (including the ever popular Thomas the Train), railroad puns, train one liners, interesting railroad laws and the popular "You Might be a Railfan If" jokes. The This Is Not A Drill T-Shirt was made for that special member of your family whos always on duty whenever things break down in the house, for the special grandfather whos always busy making stuff in the workshop. These funny Laffy taffy jokes are kinda silly like Dad jokes! A chew chew train. He was just a really bad conductor.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'laffgaff_com-leader-2','ezslot_28',194,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-leader-2-0'); What noise does a train make when its sick? But at the same time, remember that one person you know whos actually struggling in math. Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity. I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didnt think I had enough training. OMFG! I was having a poop in the toilet on the train when the conductor knocked on the door. the crossing lights start flashing in your review mirror and you make a U turn to be first in line at the grade crossing. Thats why Im a fan of monorails. The Daily English Show. Every detail needs to be kept track of. Apparently, its an end of line sale.I like to share a train pun or one-liner. Unlike teachers, locomotives always tell you to choo choo. You have a locomotive.Why did the ghost get fired from his job at the railroad? Who does He save, The man or the cow? On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. Jack: Did you hear about the Model Railroader whose layout got trampled by a herd of buffalo?Fred: No, whats he doing now?Jack: Remodeling., 65. Theyre not the conductor. Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. 16. Hes running at 30 MPH. A vegan sees this and tries to help. They all have one track minds. They ask him what hed like for his last meal.
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